20th November 2008

“Good morning Delilah!” greets a guy in white and blue uniform while I was walking, few steps away from the log in area. I’ve been in the company for two months and the security people seemed to have got used of my presence in the log in area and never missed a morning without giving me a smile while I ask them what time I arrived. I was a couple of minutes late as usual. This is going to be another ordinary day in the office, I sighed.

Everything went normal in the office as I expected. This day however isn’t as normal as the days past. I again left home few days ago. But this time, I’m no longer alone. My younger sister and a cousin actually set out the plan how we three could leave the house. It was the 13th of November. While I was in the office, my partners in crime migrated to our new home, (not so far from home though) bringing with them our bags of clothes. We left home primarily because of my Mom. As to why such a reason, I prefer not to write more details on.

I realized why experiences kept on repeating themselves and I learned that there still are bunch of lessons to be learned every time. Anyhow, no matter how depressing the previous days were, I could say that this day shouldn’t be numbered as one of them. I still have a lot of things to be grateful and happy about this day, hoping that every 20th of a month since now will no longer be one of those ordinary days for me and that someone so special. I was actually expecting him to fetch me from the office to my home today and he did. We went straight home as usual but just to give this day a special touch, he gave me three roses of different colors when we arrived home. And I very much appreciate them just as I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the giver. Flowers really are very much like stress absorbers. For me, they are nature’s gift to get relief from even just for a while. They won’t last that long yet before they fade, they wither with my despair. They turn ugly after absorbing somebody else’s heavy burden for days just like they always do for me. I really couldn’t think of a perfect word to express how much I am grateful for the giver of these flowers. All I can say now is that I love him and that having him in my life now is just one proof that my Heavenly Father never abandoned me. I know He never will.

There’s more in my life to be happy and grateful about after all. I have a decent job. I have my friends. I have my sister and my cousin. I have my father and my brothers. I have the giver of the flowers whom I love so much. Most of all, I have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior. My life though far from being perfect will just be as beautiful as those lovely roses as long as I have my dear ones to share my joy with and together we’ll learn the lessons of our repeated experiences.

I Love Him

I won’t claim that I already know him that much. In fact, I think I know very little about him yet. This fact, however, makes me love and trust him more every time I discover new things about him.

I’m grateful he found and tried to help me while I was alone- too afraid to take a step and walk any further in my journey. At first, I was too afraid and reluctant to accept his hand. But I’m grateful to have given myself a chance to be held once again in somebody else’s hands. He shared his strength to me when I was in the lowest of my trough. And I think I have been a parasite trying to get strength from him the past few weeks. Such kind of relationship existed between us without me noticing that I’m beginning to be more and more dependent on him each day that past. I just realize that parasitism won’t work long enough in a relationship. It might work in the premature stage while the one is given the chance to gather strength from the other. However, they should not get stuck to such kind of relationship. I think mutual understanding of each other’s role to make a relationship work is very essential. I believe mutualism works when both develop a pattern of “give-and-take” practice. This is why I’m also trying to help him in any way I can. Nobody’s strong enough and I know he also has his own chop of weaknesses.

I loved him for being such a strong person and I will continue to love him with all his weaknesses. He might call for his strength back in time and hopefully I could share mine when that time comes.

Penguin

Penguins exist only in my imagination.

I’ve came across several articles about such creatures before yet I never really paid much attention on them. It’s not that I did not believe on them. They just didn’t catch my interest as I did when I first learned about their admirable behaviors on building their family. Once a penguin has chosen his partner among thousands, he stays loyal to his mate. Penguin couples have their ways of recording their partner’s voice so that they could recognize each other among thousands. It’s kind of having a code that only both of them know. J This is the reason why polygamy was never an issue for them.

After the female penguin has given birth, she leaves the egg to the male. She has to endure the harsh winds to go back to the sea to replenish her energy after giving birth. She travels through the ice miles away to feed herself and store food for her chick at the same time. For the mean time, the male penguin has to keep the egg warm in his so-called feathery pocket just above his feet. He has to maintain a constant temperature of 35o C to keep the egg from freezing. The male actually hatches the egg while the female is gathering food. All of this happens for about 120 days. By then, the female must have already gathered enough strength and food to go back and take charge on rearing their young. If the female further delays her coming back, she might find her partner and their young freezing and starving to death.

I was really amazed how such a relationship exists between creatures that I thought exist only in my imagination. I think they’re wonderful.

Walk

I still remember walking in the streets with two young men in white polo and tie wearing nametags. They use to knock on our door to ask my family if anyone could help them in their appointments and I usually go with them primarily to magnify my calling and help other people know of the gospel. There have been bad times and disappointment but all I remember now is the happiness and contentment that comes when I see other people embrace the message and let it change their lives. All the long and tiring walks under the sun and heavy rains were all but happy and funny memories now. It was indeed more of a privilege than a sacrifice to be a part of such a marvelous work!

Months after, the same asked me to help him visit some of the members and investigators we use to teach and so I did. It was another walk after some time of not magnifying my calling. That time, he no longer had that nametag on yet I felt like I was still working with that same missionary with his companion missing. That was last week of May soon after his mission.

It was September 14th when he came back and asked me for another walk. This time, we’re not going to our investigators or new converts anymore. He just wanted to go to the temple with me for a walk. That was Sunday and the temple ground was close so we’re not able to get in! I remember going there with some SAs back in college so I didn’t know it’s no longer allowed. It has been a pleasant walk with him though and that was the first time he’s had the courage to tell me his feelings. The days that pass since then were days of realization that Heavenly Father really wants the best for me.

I’m just so grateful for having him. He has become one of the reasons why I’m beginning to change for the better. More than Peter Pan, he taught me how to fly higher to look at the larger picture. He’s always got the right words to comfort me every time I feel like crying. He’s never tired of reminding me to seek spiritual learning as much as I seek secular things. He seem to enjoy waking me up in the morning just so I wouldn’t be late for work. He constantly reminds me to take my vitamins and not to skip meals. He never cease on telling me he loves me even without a reply. His example teaches me to be humble and forgiving. I admire his love for the gospel and I'm starting to love him.

Not Strong Enough..

Saturdays spent in church activities seem to have been a part of my system until I decided to make some twists. The past few weeks, I tried to build a wall to isolate myself from the world I use to live in most of my life. It was not a very good sign for members of the church and I knew it! I don’t need someone to tell me that before my very face.

Some close friends noticed such changes and some were thoughtful enough to ask me why. Most of them are not used to seeing me acting out of the ordinary (based on how they knew me). They use to see me in church activities guiding a group of young women. Some thought I was strong enough and need not be taken care of. I wonder though if there’s even one who really knew every single detail of who I really am. I was never strong enough! That is why I decided to take the left turn. I got curious about what’s happening on the other side. I am aware that what I was doing was just so against my values yet I thought I should give it a try. Giving myself the chance to find the other side of me and discover things I’m capable of, I began to realize that the other side wasn't really the place I would want my generation settle.

I still long for that happiness I found in the church by obeying gospel principles.

Just My Stupidity

I just want to rest…sleep as long as I can but my nightmares are following me again and again. If only I could take pills to let me fall asleep without having empty long hours of silence to entertain thoughts that reminds me of all my stupidity. I’ve been trying to win my strength back yet things beyond my control are kind of giving me a hard time. I know that things change and so are people but memories don’t. For that, we have History subjects which I hated most back in high school! And that is the very reason why I’m having those nightmares and I hate it! I hate my own history. If there’s one thing I want to do now, it is to delete from my memory the things I’ve done that made me hate myself. It’s just so unworkable though. I could never undo things I’ve already done. What more to delete them in my memory?

There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.

I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?

Little Sweets

Not so much in my senses, somebody on the other end was greeting me “Good Morning Engineer!” That was after I took a call from a friend early this morning and I was still in my bed.

I still couldn’t accept it as true- I passed the board exam! I remember that day when I was taking the exam and I was about to burst my frustration out when I couldn’t solve most of the problems. Nah, I almost cried! I had nothing to do but say a little prayer. I felt like a child hopeless in reaching some frozen sweets in a six-foot fridge. Heavenly Father, however, never left me. I felt unworthy to say those prayers yet the assurance coming from the Holy Ghost that He listens was just so strong. I know for sure that behind my passing was my Heavenly Father who lifted me up to reach that little sweet success.

I will always and will forever be grateful for His love for me. I’ve been really bad the past few weeks yet He never turned His back on me. I allowed my situation take advantage on my weaknesses and let the other side of me in control. I sinned and now I have to get back on my feet. There are things that I could never get back though and all I can do now is make amends on the things I can still do something about.

Many people around me told me that I’ve changed. I guess they’re partly right. I’ve changed and I couldn’t deny that when I found myself to be as I am- weak and alone trying to break free from the world I’ve known. I wanted to do something but I really don’t know what it is. Well, I know I couldn’t understand everything all at once. That is why I’m still hoping that someday when the time is right, I’ll know the reasons why I ought to go through life’s ups and downs.

My Time

"..this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." -Alma 34:32


There's more in life for me to learn..more tasks to act upon, and more dreams to realize. I always ought to live each day to the fullest yet I still feel I'm missing something.

I learned of the scriptural verse above years ago and I think I tried hard to live with it since then. My seminary and institute experiences have influenced most of who I am next to my family. I could say that I have spent most of my time preparing for the things I hope for, things which are to come yet I guess there really comes a point when one just want to retire for life more comfortable (at least for the natural man). For that, I feel that there are still a lot of me to change and reconsider. I’m becoming self-centered. I sometimes feel that I am just one person who have nothing much to share. Nobody might even notice if I vanish in the air this very minute. However, Jose Rizal taught me otherwise when I read about this passage from him:

“But as God has not made anything useless in this world, as all beings fulfill obligations or a role in the sublime drama of creation, I cannot exempt myself from this duty, and small though it be, I too have a mission to fill.”

When I was younger, I remember how I thought life would be easy if I get to involve myself in the church’s spiritual activities. I learned that in everything, there is a reason. Such reasons may not be revealed to us, yet in time we’ll understand. I guess that’s the very essence of having faith- it is believing and hoping for things we don’t see yet we know deep within that it’s true. Things, however, change so fast before I realize I'm way far from really learning my lessons. Being well equipped to facing life’s challenges is just something but a lesson still unlearned for me. On the other hand, I know for real that this is the very era that I should be preparing myself for that day of perfect recollection of all the things I’ve ever done. Having that in mind, I have to choose whether or not to make that day a state of peace or an awful one. This is my day of preparation and I need to learn my lessons now. I have to live for something. I have to act for myself before I will be acted upon.

17 August 2008

Oh yeah, its been a while since the last time I posted an entry. I dont really have much to tell now. Actually, Im just reading over my older posts and it's really cool how I learn from my own experiences.

Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.

Just One Person

(with my "just one person" Honey Dee)

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough, Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, andmore, andmore....

And when all those people,Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees inYou...
And maybe even you, Can believe in you... too!

It's wonderful how this song, innocent and pure as it is, lighten up my load today. It reminds of those 3 days that I’m away from home. When I left, I felt like each person I loved, cared, and those I call friends abandoned me. I was just so glad that day to have “just one person” who seemed to have believed in me. I think my “THANK YOUs” when I left her boarding house this morning were never enough to express my appreciation for her kindness, sympathy, and thoughtfulness. We’ve been friends since high school and I feel blessed to have had one like her. She proved me how she valued and still values our friendship until now. It’s amazing how this song helped me ease my sadness knowing that having just one person like her who “deep enough, and strong enough, believes in me...hard enough, and long enough, there's bound to be some other person who believes in me.. making it three, four, and more and more, and it stands to reason that I myself will start to see what everybody sees in Me...”. I realized a lot of things from this experience. I’m just too tired to write more of them. I guess I need some rest now..

Peter Pan

It was just a DREAM after all. Neverland doesn’t really exist. I will never find Peter Pan’s place..

I’m home now. And this is the reality! I belong to this chaotic world and I never could deny such realism. The best I could do now is to accept that fact and fly higher to see a larger picture of what’s really going on. How am I going to do that is a query I still can’t answer. As of this moment, I just wish to meet Peter Pan in my own sphere –someone who will agree to join me in my world, someone who will teach me how to fly and will believe I can, someone who will catch me if I fall every time I fail my lesson, someone who will ask me stay yet brave enough to come with me instead, someone who will fight for me when everyone seem to be against me, someone who cares enough to listen even when he can’t fully understand, someone who will stay by me when everybody else gives up on me, someone who will give me flowers when I’m depress and broken, someone who will cheer me up when I feel like crying and giving up, someone who will simply love me at my worst yet inspire me to be better.

Wasted..

I never thought life would be this unfair to me! My family disowned me. My friends abandoned me. I feel alone, depressed, and aimless. Now, I have nowhere to go. It’s crazy because I feel that I dedicated much of my time helping other people yet now I couldn’t help myself and nobody’s even there to extend a hand. I’m just one helpless person close to being wasted. Nobody likes me..:-( ..and it sucks!

Finding Neverland..

I'm leaving..I just dont know where to go. Been joking the past few days how I wanted to reach Neverland and it's funny how my friends play waking me up from a deep sound sleep. . It's crazy yet I guess my adventure will start in the morrow. Im heading nowhere...and I got no idea where this insanity will take me. Im just fed up with all the things happening in my own home. Im kind of evaluating the past..and I just cant help feel sorry about myself.

I was baptized at age 12 in the mormon church. I could say that I grew up a strong young woman. Even when nobody in my family seemed to care about my spiritual growth, I still tried hard to progress and mature in truth. I use to be a seminary student howbeit I did not qualify for a seminary diploma for reasons that my best wasn’t good enough to maintain my attendance. My family was not active in the church during those times. I remember going alone to church back then with nothing but my so fragile testimony. At the tender age of my youth, I learned to fight for what I believed and knew to be true. I learned to prioritize things and set goals necessary for my spiritual growth. Through the years I was amazed how such testimony grew into a solid one. I did all that is required of me just so I could qualify myself a member worthy to enter the temple. Yet now everything has changed. I could no longer say I'm still living every principle of the gospel.

I’m already 23 and is about to take my board exam. After my exam, I still don’t know what is in store. As of the moment, I just can’t help feel sad about my home’s current situation. I am still an active member of the church. In fact, I am serving now as a Young Women president and a ward missionary. You see, my mom is a temple worker. She’s said to be serving the Lord in the temple 3 days a week and is currently the relief society president of the ward. We go to church every Sunday with our teacher’s manuals and scriptures. (my younger sister use to teach in YW class too) Everything in the church is very ideal. I just can see there the kind of life I would want for my own family. However, sometimes there are just things that we learn in the church that remains there after the Sunday services. We term that Sunday Mormons when members do not what they are supposed to be doing all week.

I will be leaving my home for that very reason. I'm kind of frustrated to see my Mom teaching the doctrine and not living the principles. If I were an investigator, I will never embrace the gospel with my Mom as my mentor. I'm not saying she is that bad.. but in a lower scale she's guilty of being one. We've always got a lot to argue about. And it just so happened that this day was the worst fight we ever had. She went too physical. Maybe we’re just too different, the way we think and our ability to accept things. It’s not that I’m saying I am better because I know I never am. It’s just that, there are things that she must first learn for herself before teaching them forward. We never can share what we do not have and whatever we do will return to us a hundred fold. Love begets love and respect begets respect. I believe that is how it always works in this world. I believe we were both guilty of pride though. I feel a bit of anger and frustration yet I know “there is an expiration” to those feelings.

I will be searching for Neverland in the morrow hoping to meet Peter Pan in his sphere. I just so want to fly away from all the sorrows and worries of my world, wishing to at least have a taste of a peaceful carefree world where I could temporarily forget who I really am. It’s really fantastic to live in such a world where nobody gets old. I just hope my fascination to such an idea will not lead me in that same pit where I use to be trapped into. I pray to be like Wendy who still chose to come back home. I liked her attitude of wanting her life restored to what is normal in her world -to still grow up even if it would mean her pain, sorrow, and frustrations.

Happiness

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL, PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE ,TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE, TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM, KNOWING A SECRET, CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS, CATCHING A FIREFLY, SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.

FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALLTHAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER, SHARING A SANDWICH, GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,

AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

It's amazing how this tune brightened up my day today. I remember my first encounter of this song. My former boss' son, Sam, use to sing this song in the office and I just couldn't help listen to him. Actually, he made me smile everytime. Its really different when innocent little kids sing a wonderful sincere song. Call me childish or too kiddie but I really love this song . It's pretty cool how a sweet young buddy do that favor of teaching me realize how HAPPINESS could be that simple. Old ones just complicate things most of the time when "Happiness is anyone and anything at all, that's loved by you". I simply love the idea of happiness as simple as these kids' definitions. How I love to be in that kind of world..

Reflection

Reflection – Lea Salonga

Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect bride,
or a perfect daughter.
Can it be, I’m not meant to play this part.
Now I see,
That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight, back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am
though I’ve tried.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.

This song perfectly describes what I feel right now and I can almost see myself as the character of the song. I get so confused sometimes that I could see my reflection as someone I don’t know, someone who I never knew before. And it’s just awfully crazy that I become a stranger to myself. I strongly agree with the song that if I were truly to be myself, I would break, not just my family’s heart, but everybody else around me.

This is the very reason why I think I got stuck to this turning point of my life. I just realize how hard it is to be in a crossroad without knowing beforehand which direction to take. One step might change my whole life. And one wrong turn might be a nightmare I would never dare experience. I never expected making a decision would be this hard. I thought all the lessons I learned from being a seminary and institute student will make me all equipped to challenges such as this yet I never am. There are really so much more to learn and I just have to take a step now or I remain stagnant until somebody else will decide for me.

Crying Out Loud..

I sin, I make mistakes, and I offend my God. These were the times when I feel so empty and helpless. And worse, I get stuck knowing I have nowhere to go but cling to my own strength. People would say I shouldn’t think I am alone though because there are two beings up on high to get strength from and that are more than willing to lift me up no matter what happen. Its such a gift of comfort to know such a thing. But then again, during those times, I just couldn’t ignore the feeling of being alone and just wished somebody for “real” must have been there to cheer me up, protect, love, care, and listen to my foolish sentiments. Life is not a bed of roses I know and I don’t think there is such kind of life as there needs be an opposition in all things. It has been said that oppositions help us progress. And I remember I was warned before that there is such a thing as learning things in joy and learning things in sorrow. I think it is a process where we make choices and be responsible of what we choose. Sometimes I do not understand why certain things happen in my life. Everytime I suffer, I would just say I made the wrong choice. I feel that, most of the time, I am learning my lessons the hard way and they just get me to thinking something must be wrong with me. It feels a lot more of a hell though when I trace back where I went wrong and realize how powerful MYSELF is as my innermost enemy. I realized how big a dilemma it is to wrestle with Goliath when all you have is just a sling and a stone. It takes a really brave David to overcome such a situation. And I just couldn't be as brave as David when I can so feel Goliath working from within, trying to break me into pieces while I stand still and let him inflict upon me exquisite pain. It burns up a lot of energy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to wrestle with my own inner self. I know I couldn't go against my core values yet doing so gets enticingly cool sometimes and its hard to resist. And as you see, I always end up causing myself pain no matter who between the two wins. I just have the option of choosing the lesser pain. I am not perfect, I never was and never will I be at least in this lifetime. But imperfect I may be, I believe I still have the power to overcome such a thing only if I prove myself worthy of my God's mercy. Some things I learned in joy and some things in sorrow. I've got the choice. They're all just in my hands..It’s just that overcoming my own self now is not that easy. I have to master myself and let the better me take control.

I am just crying out loud now. I feel confused about some things unknown to me or maybe I am just too coward to admit them and put them in words as of this moment.

Dont Mind Me

Students just come and go. I stayed in that place for almost 10 hours of my time today. I just couldn't believe it! I rarely go to that place when I was a student because I know I am expected to study my lessons when I get there. lol..

Well, it was so nice to be back to that huge building. It has been a long while since the last time I said hello to that building's personnel to show an ID just to get in. I could say, from those few times that I've been there until now, that there are no apparent changes in the physical set-up of the area. From the chair to the table arrangements, the shelves, the computer area, the personnel who checks ids, everything's almost the same, in this section at least. If there's one thing that seem to have changed is that number of students who use their own laptops to utilize the wireless connection to the internet. I would like to believe now that the university is no longer an institution for the poor. Oh well, I hate to emphasize more on this anyway.

Well, I am not supposedly allowed to be there in the first place. That was a place strictly for the university's currently enrolled students and its faculty members. I was just able to borrow my sisters identity and there I got in. Oh yeah! I should have not did that, I just so badly need it though. I feel the need to go to a place where I could do my stuffs in preparation for my board exam. That place, with all the spirit of silence and serenity, just led me back to being a poor student who brought nothing but my thirst for learning and success. I did cheat just to get in yet who would blame me anyway? The thing is, I never did something to harm someone or give that place a bad name. I was just silently sitted, dazed at solving problems in my borrowed desk while I see some students sleeping nearby. I believe that was not too much to ask. My presence there was just like one grain of sand in the seashore anyway! It doesnt make any difference if I go there or not. That was my first time to do that anyway! hehe..And I guess I will count more for the next few days.

I got home almost 11pm and told of the news that Diane's boyfriend, Alrin, has just passed the nursing board exam. He just didn't simply passed it but made it to almost top the whole batch. He was the 2nd from the top! It was really an applauding accomplishment and my sister is more than happy and proud of him. Everybody else does when we let the news spread to our friends. And they were all like eyeing on me. They were like telling me that its almost my turn now. My board exam is almost here! And I don't feel very confident to pass the board exam and what more to make it to the top? I just so hate it when people expect so much from me. I feel so pressured, like everybody's pushing me to do well in the spotlight. And after that result from Alrin's, I just so need to do my best! I dont feel I am giving my best shot at the moment though and from this time on, maybe I will. Even just for this part of my whole life, I am going to take my refresher class seriously. I just positively need it now with all my power to give that thing emphasis! It isn't about pleasing the people around me but it is something I want to accomplish for my parents. I just want to give them back a bit of all the sacrifices they endured for me to reach this stage of my life. I know it is going to be a huge blast of frustration for them if I fail this exam.

With those things in mind, I just need to visit that place more often. That would mean dishonesty, again and again, just to get in the UP Main Library. :-)

Positive Mindset

"It's FEDEX! Here's Your Shipment of "Dreams"....

How cool would that be? Just place an order of your "dreams and desires" and get FedEx to ship them out... :-)

Well, strange as it sounds, that's how it actually works in the "Universe". Lately, I learned about "little tricks" to shift one's mind from frustration, worry, anxiety, impatience, etc....to a far more POSITIVE MINDSET! Sometimes, we overlook the power of little things around us such as holding a conversation with a friend, family member, or even someone not so close. We even fail to recognize that sometimes merely watching movies that make us laugh or listening to music we like would be enough to convert our negative thoughts to positive ones. We tend to complicate things when we already know the wisdom on "small means" wherein right MINDSET is one of the key ingredients to "bring to pass great things." I think small things are most effective when we have the right mindset.

Talking about "dreams and desires", I just so need this kind of thinking right now and then. I always believed that life indeed is full of contradictions and that I no longer can do something about it. This idea, however, has just brought me to thinking that Im just one powerless person who is of very little capacity to work my dreams out. I feel that no matter how I try, I still fail for reasons I hardly can understand. Now, I realize that this is oftentimes caused by some contradictions that happens from within. I cannot go against the core values I set for myself and violate my own beliefs. I long dwelt in my private sphere and I just can't compromise my world's principles to accept the secular standards of the universe. This is when complications get in my way towards achieving my dreams. And the question I have to leave myself now is: How can I effectively utilize the little tricks I learned?

July 22, 2008

I just learned about this site last night and I was inspired to make one. I do this now for the mere reason of giving myself an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when I cant share them with anyone. I always liked the idea of record keeping yet it never worked for me to literally write on my journal. I started to keep a journal when I was second year high school yet never did I maintain it until now. I like reading over it though and I learn from it everytime.

Writing was never my forte. I was never good at theme writings and I knew it since elementary and high school. This is one thing I wish I am good of yet I never am. I always admire people who could confidently express themselves verbally or through writing. I just believe that words are an extension of one's mind, may it be put on writing or verbally said.

I am currently preparing for my board exam and I am suppose to be studying my modules right now. But then again, no matter how I try, I cant seriously absorb things in my notes. Maybe my mind is currently too preoccupied with things unnecessary as of the moment. I feel like I want to do something yet I dont exactly know what I want. There are trashes in my head's bin that needs to be disposed yet I got no idea how to possibly get rid of them. I want to go somewhere, maybe to a place where nobody knows me so I could freely do things without anyone's eyes on me. Well maybe that would be a really good idea! I just feel the need of knowing and mastering myself. Making myself a specimen for this experiment might be too risky though, yet I believe its worth a try. I hope so.. I think I will be needing someone to persuade me to believe that secular and spiritual morality can still work in this kind of world without compromising my standards in my private canopy. I just so need to look for myself now than find it wasted and all crashed later.

Happiness and Contentment

Justine, Chris Mae, Me, and Aiza @ Camp 7, Baguio City (May 4, 2008)

Justine, Chris Mae, Aiza, and Me @ Pozorrubio, Pangasinan (May 5, 2008)

@Jollibee Magsaysay, Baguio City.. with Justine and Chris Mae

I have always been very observant about how people give meaning to the word happiness and contentment. Little kids have the simplest meaning I guess. For them, it may just mean having a new toy or simply being with their loved ones. Moreover, such simplicity of definition directly varies with their experiences as they grow up. I remember when I was yet seemingly innocent little girl in my school uniform. Just like anyone in the school I also had friends I use to share my kiddy crimes with- things that made my grade school and high school years so much enjoyable and memorable. Every time I am with them, life seems to be so light giving no room to worries. We were like very contented about our lives when we were together witlessly laughing at anything we could think of. We just let our feet take us to anywhere and just enjoy each others’ company. We would love to stay in a place the longest hour possible for us to be together though it may mean missing some of our class hours. We talk about how to deal with our not so honorable and dreary teachers. We plan about how to beat our enemies and kick their butt off us. There really are lots to cherish about being a child. Of course, children also do cry as old ones do. But those child-like attributes like forgiveness, humility, meekness, submissiveness and their strong yearning for learning draws the line between the young and the old ones. I observed how easily a child forgives another no matter how hard they cried for pain and disappointment. I wish sometimes that our then semi-corrupted minds should have stayed in that condition. That idea however is just so impossible and awful. My friends and I need to grow up. Those memories were part of our innocence just like every one of us pass through the same state. We may call ourselves grown ups now but we still cry for reasons that are sometimes so difficult to understand. We went separate ways after high school graduation. We bid farewells but promised to keep our friendship alive. We lived different lives and met new friends. We had our hearts broken and some dreams not realized. It is funny though how we become like kids again when we get to see each other and have some time to talk like crazy about our current lives. We recently had a get together and I got used to them cracking jokes at me on how boring my life seemed for them. We are now absolutely different from who we were eight years ago. Our experiences and challenges through the years and how we were able to deal with them determined how we think and who we are right now. Sometimes I feel that I had dedicated much of my time helping other people. I use to deal with different people and share with them thoughts on how to deal with life’s adversaries and complications. It makes me happy and contented to help and see other people’s eyes glow with renewed hope that their lives would be better. I realized, however, I couldn’t do the same for myself and just wished somebody would also extend a hand. Sometimes I couldn’t help it to feel bad every time I feel alone, hopeless and helpless. I believe every one of us have our own share of problems and oppositions to face though. Both young and old, nobody’s exempted. They just vary with our situations. But just like any problems in the world, our reaction towards them is all that matters in the long run. Because it is through winning the challenges in our lives that we could give HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT meanings that would best describe how far we’ve been through the race called life. Otherwise, these two words could hardly be defined.