Walk

I still remember walking in the streets with two young men in white polo and tie wearing nametags. They use to knock on our door to ask my family if anyone could help them in their appointments and I usually go with them primarily to magnify my calling and help other people know of the gospel. There have been bad times and disappointment but all I remember now is the happiness and contentment that comes when I see other people embrace the message and let it change their lives. All the long and tiring walks under the sun and heavy rains were all but happy and funny memories now. It was indeed more of a privilege than a sacrifice to be a part of such a marvelous work!

Months after, the same asked me to help him visit some of the members and investigators we use to teach and so I did. It was another walk after some time of not magnifying my calling. That time, he no longer had that nametag on yet I felt like I was still working with that same missionary with his companion missing. That was last week of May soon after his mission.

It was September 14th when he came back and asked me for another walk. This time, we’re not going to our investigators or new converts anymore. He just wanted to go to the temple with me for a walk. That was Sunday and the temple ground was close so we’re not able to get in! I remember going there with some SAs back in college so I didn’t know it’s no longer allowed. It has been a pleasant walk with him though and that was the first time he’s had the courage to tell me his feelings. The days that pass since then were days of realization that Heavenly Father really wants the best for me.

I’m just so grateful for having him. He has become one of the reasons why I’m beginning to change for the better. More than Peter Pan, he taught me how to fly higher to look at the larger picture. He’s always got the right words to comfort me every time I feel like crying. He’s never tired of reminding me to seek spiritual learning as much as I seek secular things. He seem to enjoy waking me up in the morning just so I wouldn’t be late for work. He constantly reminds me to take my vitamins and not to skip meals. He never cease on telling me he loves me even without a reply. His example teaches me to be humble and forgiving. I admire his love for the gospel and I'm starting to love him.

Not Strong Enough..

Saturdays spent in church activities seem to have been a part of my system until I decided to make some twists. The past few weeks, I tried to build a wall to isolate myself from the world I use to live in most of my life. It was not a very good sign for members of the church and I knew it! I don’t need someone to tell me that before my very face.

Some close friends noticed such changes and some were thoughtful enough to ask me why. Most of them are not used to seeing me acting out of the ordinary (based on how they knew me). They use to see me in church activities guiding a group of young women. Some thought I was strong enough and need not be taken care of. I wonder though if there’s even one who really knew every single detail of who I really am. I was never strong enough! That is why I decided to take the left turn. I got curious about what’s happening on the other side. I am aware that what I was doing was just so against my values yet I thought I should give it a try. Giving myself the chance to find the other side of me and discover things I’m capable of, I began to realize that the other side wasn't really the place I would want my generation settle.

I still long for that happiness I found in the church by obeying gospel principles.

Just My Stupidity

I just want to rest…sleep as long as I can but my nightmares are following me again and again. If only I could take pills to let me fall asleep without having empty long hours of silence to entertain thoughts that reminds me of all my stupidity. I’ve been trying to win my strength back yet things beyond my control are kind of giving me a hard time. I know that things change and so are people but memories don’t. For that, we have History subjects which I hated most back in high school! And that is the very reason why I’m having those nightmares and I hate it! I hate my own history. If there’s one thing I want to do now, it is to delete from my memory the things I’ve done that made me hate myself. It’s just so unworkable though. I could never undo things I’ve already done. What more to delete them in my memory?

There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.

I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?

Little Sweets

Not so much in my senses, somebody on the other end was greeting me “Good Morning Engineer!” That was after I took a call from a friend early this morning and I was still in my bed.

I still couldn’t accept it as true- I passed the board exam! I remember that day when I was taking the exam and I was about to burst my frustration out when I couldn’t solve most of the problems. Nah, I almost cried! I had nothing to do but say a little prayer. I felt like a child hopeless in reaching some frozen sweets in a six-foot fridge. Heavenly Father, however, never left me. I felt unworthy to say those prayers yet the assurance coming from the Holy Ghost that He listens was just so strong. I know for sure that behind my passing was my Heavenly Father who lifted me up to reach that little sweet success.

I will always and will forever be grateful for His love for me. I’ve been really bad the past few weeks yet He never turned His back on me. I allowed my situation take advantage on my weaknesses and let the other side of me in control. I sinned and now I have to get back on my feet. There are things that I could never get back though and all I can do now is make amends on the things I can still do something about.

Many people around me told me that I’ve changed. I guess they’re partly right. I’ve changed and I couldn’t deny that when I found myself to be as I am- weak and alone trying to break free from the world I’ve known. I wanted to do something but I really don’t know what it is. Well, I know I couldn’t understand everything all at once. That is why I’m still hoping that someday when the time is right, I’ll know the reasons why I ought to go through life’s ups and downs.