Crying Out Loud..

I sin, I make mistakes, and I offend my God. These were the times when I feel so empty and helpless. And worse, I get stuck knowing I have nowhere to go but cling to my own strength. People would say I shouldn’t think I am alone though because there are two beings up on high to get strength from and that are more than willing to lift me up no matter what happen. Its such a gift of comfort to know such a thing. But then again, during those times, I just couldn’t ignore the feeling of being alone and just wished somebody for “real” must have been there to cheer me up, protect, love, care, and listen to my foolish sentiments. Life is not a bed of roses I know and I don’t think there is such kind of life as there needs be an opposition in all things. It has been said that oppositions help us progress. And I remember I was warned before that there is such a thing as learning things in joy and learning things in sorrow. I think it is a process where we make choices and be responsible of what we choose. Sometimes I do not understand why certain things happen in my life. Everytime I suffer, I would just say I made the wrong choice. I feel that, most of the time, I am learning my lessons the hard way and they just get me to thinking something must be wrong with me. It feels a lot more of a hell though when I trace back where I went wrong and realize how powerful MYSELF is as my innermost enemy. I realized how big a dilemma it is to wrestle with Goliath when all you have is just a sling and a stone. It takes a really brave David to overcome such a situation. And I just couldn't be as brave as David when I can so feel Goliath working from within, trying to break me into pieces while I stand still and let him inflict upon me exquisite pain. It burns up a lot of energy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to wrestle with my own inner self. I know I couldn't go against my core values yet doing so gets enticingly cool sometimes and its hard to resist. And as you see, I always end up causing myself pain no matter who between the two wins. I just have the option of choosing the lesser pain. I am not perfect, I never was and never will I be at least in this lifetime. But imperfect I may be, I believe I still have the power to overcome such a thing only if I prove myself worthy of my God's mercy. Some things I learned in joy and some things in sorrow. I've got the choice. They're all just in my hands..It’s just that overcoming my own self now is not that easy. I have to master myself and let the better me take control.

I am just crying out loud now. I feel confused about some things unknown to me or maybe I am just too coward to admit them and put them in words as of this moment.