My Time

"..this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." -Alma 34:32


There's more in life for me to learn..more tasks to act upon, and more dreams to realize. I always ought to live each day to the fullest yet I still feel I'm missing something.

I learned of the scriptural verse above years ago and I think I tried hard to live with it since then. My seminary and institute experiences have influenced most of who I am next to my family. I could say that I have spent most of my time preparing for the things I hope for, things which are to come yet I guess there really comes a point when one just want to retire for life more comfortable (at least for the natural man). For that, I feel that there are still a lot of me to change and reconsider. I’m becoming self-centered. I sometimes feel that I am just one person who have nothing much to share. Nobody might even notice if I vanish in the air this very minute. However, Jose Rizal taught me otherwise when I read about this passage from him:

“But as God has not made anything useless in this world, as all beings fulfill obligations or a role in the sublime drama of creation, I cannot exempt myself from this duty, and small though it be, I too have a mission to fill.”

When I was younger, I remember how I thought life would be easy if I get to involve myself in the church’s spiritual activities. I learned that in everything, there is a reason. Such reasons may not be revealed to us, yet in time we’ll understand. I guess that’s the very essence of having faith- it is believing and hoping for things we don’t see yet we know deep within that it’s true. Things, however, change so fast before I realize I'm way far from really learning my lessons. Being well equipped to facing life’s challenges is just something but a lesson still unlearned for me. On the other hand, I know for real that this is the very era that I should be preparing myself for that day of perfect recollection of all the things I’ve ever done. Having that in mind, I have to choose whether or not to make that day a state of peace or an awful one. This is my day of preparation and I need to learn my lessons now. I have to live for something. I have to act for myself before I will be acted upon.

17 August 2008

Oh yeah, its been a while since the last time I posted an entry. I dont really have much to tell now. Actually, Im just reading over my older posts and it's really cool how I learn from my own experiences.

Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.

Just One Person

(with my "just one person" Honey Dee)

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough, Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, andmore, andmore....

And when all those people,Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees inYou...
And maybe even you, Can believe in you... too!

It's wonderful how this song, innocent and pure as it is, lighten up my load today. It reminds of those 3 days that I’m away from home. When I left, I felt like each person I loved, cared, and those I call friends abandoned me. I was just so glad that day to have “just one person” who seemed to have believed in me. I think my “THANK YOUs” when I left her boarding house this morning were never enough to express my appreciation for her kindness, sympathy, and thoughtfulness. We’ve been friends since high school and I feel blessed to have had one like her. She proved me how she valued and still values our friendship until now. It’s amazing how this song helped me ease my sadness knowing that having just one person like her who “deep enough, and strong enough, believes in me...hard enough, and long enough, there's bound to be some other person who believes in me.. making it three, four, and more and more, and it stands to reason that I myself will start to see what everybody sees in Me...”. I realized a lot of things from this experience. I’m just too tired to write more of them. I guess I need some rest now..

Peter Pan

It was just a DREAM after all. Neverland doesn’t really exist. I will never find Peter Pan’s place..

I’m home now. And this is the reality! I belong to this chaotic world and I never could deny such realism. The best I could do now is to accept that fact and fly higher to see a larger picture of what’s really going on. How am I going to do that is a query I still can’t answer. As of this moment, I just wish to meet Peter Pan in my own sphere –someone who will agree to join me in my world, someone who will teach me how to fly and will believe I can, someone who will catch me if I fall every time I fail my lesson, someone who will ask me stay yet brave enough to come with me instead, someone who will fight for me when everyone seem to be against me, someone who cares enough to listen even when he can’t fully understand, someone who will stay by me when everybody else gives up on me, someone who will give me flowers when I’m depress and broken, someone who will cheer me up when I feel like crying and giving up, someone who will simply love me at my worst yet inspire me to be better.

Wasted..

I never thought life would be this unfair to me! My family disowned me. My friends abandoned me. I feel alone, depressed, and aimless. Now, I have nowhere to go. It’s crazy because I feel that I dedicated much of my time helping other people yet now I couldn’t help myself and nobody’s even there to extend a hand. I’m just one helpless person close to being wasted. Nobody likes me..:-( ..and it sucks!

Finding Neverland..

I'm leaving..I just dont know where to go. Been joking the past few days how I wanted to reach Neverland and it's funny how my friends play waking me up from a deep sound sleep. . It's crazy yet I guess my adventure will start in the morrow. Im heading nowhere...and I got no idea where this insanity will take me. Im just fed up with all the things happening in my own home. Im kind of evaluating the past..and I just cant help feel sorry about myself.

I was baptized at age 12 in the mormon church. I could say that I grew up a strong young woman. Even when nobody in my family seemed to care about my spiritual growth, I still tried hard to progress and mature in truth. I use to be a seminary student howbeit I did not qualify for a seminary diploma for reasons that my best wasn’t good enough to maintain my attendance. My family was not active in the church during those times. I remember going alone to church back then with nothing but my so fragile testimony. At the tender age of my youth, I learned to fight for what I believed and knew to be true. I learned to prioritize things and set goals necessary for my spiritual growth. Through the years I was amazed how such testimony grew into a solid one. I did all that is required of me just so I could qualify myself a member worthy to enter the temple. Yet now everything has changed. I could no longer say I'm still living every principle of the gospel.

I’m already 23 and is about to take my board exam. After my exam, I still don’t know what is in store. As of the moment, I just can’t help feel sad about my home’s current situation. I am still an active member of the church. In fact, I am serving now as a Young Women president and a ward missionary. You see, my mom is a temple worker. She’s said to be serving the Lord in the temple 3 days a week and is currently the relief society president of the ward. We go to church every Sunday with our teacher’s manuals and scriptures. (my younger sister use to teach in YW class too) Everything in the church is very ideal. I just can see there the kind of life I would want for my own family. However, sometimes there are just things that we learn in the church that remains there after the Sunday services. We term that Sunday Mormons when members do not what they are supposed to be doing all week.

I will be leaving my home for that very reason. I'm kind of frustrated to see my Mom teaching the doctrine and not living the principles. If I were an investigator, I will never embrace the gospel with my Mom as my mentor. I'm not saying she is that bad.. but in a lower scale she's guilty of being one. We've always got a lot to argue about. And it just so happened that this day was the worst fight we ever had. She went too physical. Maybe we’re just too different, the way we think and our ability to accept things. It’s not that I’m saying I am better because I know I never am. It’s just that, there are things that she must first learn for herself before teaching them forward. We never can share what we do not have and whatever we do will return to us a hundred fold. Love begets love and respect begets respect. I believe that is how it always works in this world. I believe we were both guilty of pride though. I feel a bit of anger and frustration yet I know “there is an expiration” to those feelings.

I will be searching for Neverland in the morrow hoping to meet Peter Pan in his sphere. I just so want to fly away from all the sorrows and worries of my world, wishing to at least have a taste of a peaceful carefree world where I could temporarily forget who I really am. It’s really fantastic to live in such a world where nobody gets old. I just hope my fascination to such an idea will not lead me in that same pit where I use to be trapped into. I pray to be like Wendy who still chose to come back home. I liked her attitude of wanting her life restored to what is normal in her world -to still grow up even if it would mean her pain, sorrow, and frustrations.

Happiness

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL, PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE ,TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE, TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM, KNOWING A SECRET, CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS, CATCHING A FIREFLY, SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.

FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALLTHAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER, SHARING A SANDWICH, GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,

AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.

It's amazing how this tune brightened up my day today. I remember my first encounter of this song. My former boss' son, Sam, use to sing this song in the office and I just couldn't help listen to him. Actually, he made me smile everytime. Its really different when innocent little kids sing a wonderful sincere song. Call me childish or too kiddie but I really love this song . It's pretty cool how a sweet young buddy do that favor of teaching me realize how HAPPINESS could be that simple. Old ones just complicate things most of the time when "Happiness is anyone and anything at all, that's loved by you". I simply love the idea of happiness as simple as these kids' definitions. How I love to be in that kind of world..

Reflection

Reflection – Lea Salonga

Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect bride,
or a perfect daughter.
Can it be, I’m not meant to play this part.
Now I see,
That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight, back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am
though I’ve tried.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.

This song perfectly describes what I feel right now and I can almost see myself as the character of the song. I get so confused sometimes that I could see my reflection as someone I don’t know, someone who I never knew before. And it’s just awfully crazy that I become a stranger to myself. I strongly agree with the song that if I were truly to be myself, I would break, not just my family’s heart, but everybody else around me.

This is the very reason why I think I got stuck to this turning point of my life. I just realize how hard it is to be in a crossroad without knowing beforehand which direction to take. One step might change my whole life. And one wrong turn might be a nightmare I would never dare experience. I never expected making a decision would be this hard. I thought all the lessons I learned from being a seminary and institute student will make me all equipped to challenges such as this yet I never am. There are really so much more to learn and I just have to take a step now or I remain stagnant until somebody else will decide for me.

Crying Out Loud..

I sin, I make mistakes, and I offend my God. These were the times when I feel so empty and helpless. And worse, I get stuck knowing I have nowhere to go but cling to my own strength. People would say I shouldn’t think I am alone though because there are two beings up on high to get strength from and that are more than willing to lift me up no matter what happen. Its such a gift of comfort to know such a thing. But then again, during those times, I just couldn’t ignore the feeling of being alone and just wished somebody for “real” must have been there to cheer me up, protect, love, care, and listen to my foolish sentiments. Life is not a bed of roses I know and I don’t think there is such kind of life as there needs be an opposition in all things. It has been said that oppositions help us progress. And I remember I was warned before that there is such a thing as learning things in joy and learning things in sorrow. I think it is a process where we make choices and be responsible of what we choose. Sometimes I do not understand why certain things happen in my life. Everytime I suffer, I would just say I made the wrong choice. I feel that, most of the time, I am learning my lessons the hard way and they just get me to thinking something must be wrong with me. It feels a lot more of a hell though when I trace back where I went wrong and realize how powerful MYSELF is as my innermost enemy. I realized how big a dilemma it is to wrestle with Goliath when all you have is just a sling and a stone. It takes a really brave David to overcome such a situation. And I just couldn't be as brave as David when I can so feel Goliath working from within, trying to break me into pieces while I stand still and let him inflict upon me exquisite pain. It burns up a lot of energy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to wrestle with my own inner self. I know I couldn't go against my core values yet doing so gets enticingly cool sometimes and its hard to resist. And as you see, I always end up causing myself pain no matter who between the two wins. I just have the option of choosing the lesser pain. I am not perfect, I never was and never will I be at least in this lifetime. But imperfect I may be, I believe I still have the power to overcome such a thing only if I prove myself worthy of my God's mercy. Some things I learned in joy and some things in sorrow. I've got the choice. They're all just in my hands..It’s just that overcoming my own self now is not that easy. I have to master myself and let the better me take control.

I am just crying out loud now. I feel confused about some things unknown to me or maybe I am just too coward to admit them and put them in words as of this moment.

Dont Mind Me

Students just come and go. I stayed in that place for almost 10 hours of my time today. I just couldn't believe it! I rarely go to that place when I was a student because I know I am expected to study my lessons when I get there. lol..

Well, it was so nice to be back to that huge building. It has been a long while since the last time I said hello to that building's personnel to show an ID just to get in. I could say, from those few times that I've been there until now, that there are no apparent changes in the physical set-up of the area. From the chair to the table arrangements, the shelves, the computer area, the personnel who checks ids, everything's almost the same, in this section at least. If there's one thing that seem to have changed is that number of students who use their own laptops to utilize the wireless connection to the internet. I would like to believe now that the university is no longer an institution for the poor. Oh well, I hate to emphasize more on this anyway.

Well, I am not supposedly allowed to be there in the first place. That was a place strictly for the university's currently enrolled students and its faculty members. I was just able to borrow my sisters identity and there I got in. Oh yeah! I should have not did that, I just so badly need it though. I feel the need to go to a place where I could do my stuffs in preparation for my board exam. That place, with all the spirit of silence and serenity, just led me back to being a poor student who brought nothing but my thirst for learning and success. I did cheat just to get in yet who would blame me anyway? The thing is, I never did something to harm someone or give that place a bad name. I was just silently sitted, dazed at solving problems in my borrowed desk while I see some students sleeping nearby. I believe that was not too much to ask. My presence there was just like one grain of sand in the seashore anyway! It doesnt make any difference if I go there or not. That was my first time to do that anyway! hehe..And I guess I will count more for the next few days.

I got home almost 11pm and told of the news that Diane's boyfriend, Alrin, has just passed the nursing board exam. He just didn't simply passed it but made it to almost top the whole batch. He was the 2nd from the top! It was really an applauding accomplishment and my sister is more than happy and proud of him. Everybody else does when we let the news spread to our friends. And they were all like eyeing on me. They were like telling me that its almost my turn now. My board exam is almost here! And I don't feel very confident to pass the board exam and what more to make it to the top? I just so hate it when people expect so much from me. I feel so pressured, like everybody's pushing me to do well in the spotlight. And after that result from Alrin's, I just so need to do my best! I dont feel I am giving my best shot at the moment though and from this time on, maybe I will. Even just for this part of my whole life, I am going to take my refresher class seriously. I just positively need it now with all my power to give that thing emphasis! It isn't about pleasing the people around me but it is something I want to accomplish for my parents. I just want to give them back a bit of all the sacrifices they endured for me to reach this stage of my life. I know it is going to be a huge blast of frustration for them if I fail this exam.

With those things in mind, I just need to visit that place more often. That would mean dishonesty, again and again, just to get in the UP Main Library. :-)