Reflection

Reflection – Lea Salonga

Look at me,
I will never pass for a perfect bride,
or a perfect daughter.
Can it be, I’m not meant to play this part.
Now I see,
That if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family’s heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight, back at me
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know
Somehow I cannot hide, who I am
though I’ve tried.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.
When will my reflection show who I am inside.

This song perfectly describes what I feel right now and I can almost see myself as the character of the song. I get so confused sometimes that I could see my reflection as someone I don’t know, someone who I never knew before. And it’s just awfully crazy that I become a stranger to myself. I strongly agree with the song that if I were truly to be myself, I would break, not just my family’s heart, but everybody else around me.

This is the very reason why I think I got stuck to this turning point of my life. I just realize how hard it is to be in a crossroad without knowing beforehand which direction to take. One step might change my whole life. And one wrong turn might be a nightmare I would never dare experience. I never expected making a decision would be this hard. I thought all the lessons I learned from being a seminary and institute student will make me all equipped to challenges such as this yet I never am. There are really so much more to learn and I just have to take a step now or I remain stagnant until somebody else will decide for me.

Crying Out Loud..

I sin, I make mistakes, and I offend my God. These were the times when I feel so empty and helpless. And worse, I get stuck knowing I have nowhere to go but cling to my own strength. People would say I shouldn’t think I am alone though because there are two beings up on high to get strength from and that are more than willing to lift me up no matter what happen. Its such a gift of comfort to know such a thing. But then again, during those times, I just couldn’t ignore the feeling of being alone and just wished somebody for “real” must have been there to cheer me up, protect, love, care, and listen to my foolish sentiments. Life is not a bed of roses I know and I don’t think there is such kind of life as there needs be an opposition in all things. It has been said that oppositions help us progress. And I remember I was warned before that there is such a thing as learning things in joy and learning things in sorrow. I think it is a process where we make choices and be responsible of what we choose. Sometimes I do not understand why certain things happen in my life. Everytime I suffer, I would just say I made the wrong choice. I feel that, most of the time, I am learning my lessons the hard way and they just get me to thinking something must be wrong with me. It feels a lot more of a hell though when I trace back where I went wrong and realize how powerful MYSELF is as my innermost enemy. I realized how big a dilemma it is to wrestle with Goliath when all you have is just a sling and a stone. It takes a really brave David to overcome such a situation. And I just couldn't be as brave as David when I can so feel Goliath working from within, trying to break me into pieces while I stand still and let him inflict upon me exquisite pain. It burns up a lot of energy physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to wrestle with my own inner self. I know I couldn't go against my core values yet doing so gets enticingly cool sometimes and its hard to resist. And as you see, I always end up causing myself pain no matter who between the two wins. I just have the option of choosing the lesser pain. I am not perfect, I never was and never will I be at least in this lifetime. But imperfect I may be, I believe I still have the power to overcome such a thing only if I prove myself worthy of my God's mercy. Some things I learned in joy and some things in sorrow. I've got the choice. They're all just in my hands..It’s just that overcoming my own self now is not that easy. I have to master myself and let the better me take control.

I am just crying out loud now. I feel confused about some things unknown to me or maybe I am just too coward to admit them and put them in words as of this moment.

Dont Mind Me

Students just come and go. I stayed in that place for almost 10 hours of my time today. I just couldn't believe it! I rarely go to that place when I was a student because I know I am expected to study my lessons when I get there. lol..

Well, it was so nice to be back to that huge building. It has been a long while since the last time I said hello to that building's personnel to show an ID just to get in. I could say, from those few times that I've been there until now, that there are no apparent changes in the physical set-up of the area. From the chair to the table arrangements, the shelves, the computer area, the personnel who checks ids, everything's almost the same, in this section at least. If there's one thing that seem to have changed is that number of students who use their own laptops to utilize the wireless connection to the internet. I would like to believe now that the university is no longer an institution for the poor. Oh well, I hate to emphasize more on this anyway.

Well, I am not supposedly allowed to be there in the first place. That was a place strictly for the university's currently enrolled students and its faculty members. I was just able to borrow my sisters identity and there I got in. Oh yeah! I should have not did that, I just so badly need it though. I feel the need to go to a place where I could do my stuffs in preparation for my board exam. That place, with all the spirit of silence and serenity, just led me back to being a poor student who brought nothing but my thirst for learning and success. I did cheat just to get in yet who would blame me anyway? The thing is, I never did something to harm someone or give that place a bad name. I was just silently sitted, dazed at solving problems in my borrowed desk while I see some students sleeping nearby. I believe that was not too much to ask. My presence there was just like one grain of sand in the seashore anyway! It doesnt make any difference if I go there or not. That was my first time to do that anyway! hehe..And I guess I will count more for the next few days.

I got home almost 11pm and told of the news that Diane's boyfriend, Alrin, has just passed the nursing board exam. He just didn't simply passed it but made it to almost top the whole batch. He was the 2nd from the top! It was really an applauding accomplishment and my sister is more than happy and proud of him. Everybody else does when we let the news spread to our friends. And they were all like eyeing on me. They were like telling me that its almost my turn now. My board exam is almost here! And I don't feel very confident to pass the board exam and what more to make it to the top? I just so hate it when people expect so much from me. I feel so pressured, like everybody's pushing me to do well in the spotlight. And after that result from Alrin's, I just so need to do my best! I dont feel I am giving my best shot at the moment though and from this time on, maybe I will. Even just for this part of my whole life, I am going to take my refresher class seriously. I just positively need it now with all my power to give that thing emphasis! It isn't about pleasing the people around me but it is something I want to accomplish for my parents. I just want to give them back a bit of all the sacrifices they endured for me to reach this stage of my life. I know it is going to be a huge blast of frustration for them if I fail this exam.

With those things in mind, I just need to visit that place more often. That would mean dishonesty, again and again, just to get in the UP Main Library. :-)

Positive Mindset

"It's FEDEX! Here's Your Shipment of "Dreams"....

How cool would that be? Just place an order of your "dreams and desires" and get FedEx to ship them out... :-)

Well, strange as it sounds, that's how it actually works in the "Universe". Lately, I learned about "little tricks" to shift one's mind from frustration, worry, anxiety, impatience, etc....to a far more POSITIVE MINDSET! Sometimes, we overlook the power of little things around us such as holding a conversation with a friend, family member, or even someone not so close. We even fail to recognize that sometimes merely watching movies that make us laugh or listening to music we like would be enough to convert our negative thoughts to positive ones. We tend to complicate things when we already know the wisdom on "small means" wherein right MINDSET is one of the key ingredients to "bring to pass great things." I think small things are most effective when we have the right mindset.

Talking about "dreams and desires", I just so need this kind of thinking right now and then. I always believed that life indeed is full of contradictions and that I no longer can do something about it. This idea, however, has just brought me to thinking that Im just one powerless person who is of very little capacity to work my dreams out. I feel that no matter how I try, I still fail for reasons I hardly can understand. Now, I realize that this is oftentimes caused by some contradictions that happens from within. I cannot go against the core values I set for myself and violate my own beliefs. I long dwelt in my private sphere and I just can't compromise my world's principles to accept the secular standards of the universe. This is when complications get in my way towards achieving my dreams. And the question I have to leave myself now is: How can I effectively utilize the little tricks I learned?

July 22, 2008

I just learned about this site last night and I was inspired to make one. I do this now for the mere reason of giving myself an outlet for my thoughts and emotions when I cant share them with anyone. I always liked the idea of record keeping yet it never worked for me to literally write on my journal. I started to keep a journal when I was second year high school yet never did I maintain it until now. I like reading over it though and I learn from it everytime.

Writing was never my forte. I was never good at theme writings and I knew it since elementary and high school. This is one thing I wish I am good of yet I never am. I always admire people who could confidently express themselves verbally or through writing. I just believe that words are an extension of one's mind, may it be put on writing or verbally said.

I am currently preparing for my board exam and I am suppose to be studying my modules right now. But then again, no matter how I try, I cant seriously absorb things in my notes. Maybe my mind is currently too preoccupied with things unnecessary as of the moment. I feel like I want to do something yet I dont exactly know what I want. There are trashes in my head's bin that needs to be disposed yet I got no idea how to possibly get rid of them. I want to go somewhere, maybe to a place where nobody knows me so I could freely do things without anyone's eyes on me. Well maybe that would be a really good idea! I just feel the need of knowing and mastering myself. Making myself a specimen for this experiment might be too risky though, yet I believe its worth a try. I hope so.. I think I will be needing someone to persuade me to believe that secular and spiritual morality can still work in this kind of world without compromising my standards in my private canopy. I just so need to look for myself now than find it wasted and all crashed later.

Happiness and Contentment

Justine, Chris Mae, Me, and Aiza @ Camp 7, Baguio City (May 4, 2008)

Justine, Chris Mae, Aiza, and Me @ Pozorrubio, Pangasinan (May 5, 2008)

@Jollibee Magsaysay, Baguio City.. with Justine and Chris Mae

I have always been very observant about how people give meaning to the word happiness and contentment. Little kids have the simplest meaning I guess. For them, it may just mean having a new toy or simply being with their loved ones. Moreover, such simplicity of definition directly varies with their experiences as they grow up. I remember when I was yet seemingly innocent little girl in my school uniform. Just like anyone in the school I also had friends I use to share my kiddy crimes with- things that made my grade school and high school years so much enjoyable and memorable. Every time I am with them, life seems to be so light giving no room to worries. We were like very contented about our lives when we were together witlessly laughing at anything we could think of. We just let our feet take us to anywhere and just enjoy each others’ company. We would love to stay in a place the longest hour possible for us to be together though it may mean missing some of our class hours. We talk about how to deal with our not so honorable and dreary teachers. We plan about how to beat our enemies and kick their butt off us. There really are lots to cherish about being a child. Of course, children also do cry as old ones do. But those child-like attributes like forgiveness, humility, meekness, submissiveness and their strong yearning for learning draws the line between the young and the old ones. I observed how easily a child forgives another no matter how hard they cried for pain and disappointment. I wish sometimes that our then semi-corrupted minds should have stayed in that condition. That idea however is just so impossible and awful. My friends and I need to grow up. Those memories were part of our innocence just like every one of us pass through the same state. We may call ourselves grown ups now but we still cry for reasons that are sometimes so difficult to understand. We went separate ways after high school graduation. We bid farewells but promised to keep our friendship alive. We lived different lives and met new friends. We had our hearts broken and some dreams not realized. It is funny though how we become like kids again when we get to see each other and have some time to talk like crazy about our current lives. We recently had a get together and I got used to them cracking jokes at me on how boring my life seemed for them. We are now absolutely different from who we were eight years ago. Our experiences and challenges through the years and how we were able to deal with them determined how we think and who we are right now. Sometimes I feel that I had dedicated much of my time helping other people. I use to deal with different people and share with them thoughts on how to deal with life’s adversaries and complications. It makes me happy and contented to help and see other people’s eyes glow with renewed hope that their lives would be better. I realized, however, I couldn’t do the same for myself and just wished somebody would also extend a hand. Sometimes I couldn’t help it to feel bad every time I feel alone, hopeless and helpless. I believe every one of us have our own share of problems and oppositions to face though. Both young and old, nobody’s exempted. They just vary with our situations. But just like any problems in the world, our reaction towards them is all that matters in the long run. Because it is through winning the challenges in our lives that we could give HAPPINESS and CONTENTMENT meanings that would best describe how far we’ve been through the race called life. Otherwise, these two words could hardly be defined.