Saturdays spent in church activities seem to have been a part of my system until I decided to make some twists. The past few weeks, I tried to build a wall to isolate myself from the world I use to live in most of my life. It was not a very good sign for members of the church and I knew it! I don’t need someone to tell me that before my very face.
Some close friends noticed such changes and some were thoughtful enough to ask me why. Most of them are not used to seeing me acting out of the ordinary (based on how they knew me). They use to see me in church activities guiding a group of young women. Some thought I was strong enough and need not be taken care of. I wonder though if there’s even one who really knew every single detail of who I really am. I was never strong enough! That is why I decided to take the left turn. I got curious about what’s happening on the other side. I am aware that what I was doing was just so against my values yet I thought I should give it a try. Giving myself the chance to find the other side of me and discover things I’m capable of, I began to realize that the other side wasn't really the place I would want my generation settle.
I still long for that happiness I found in the church by obeying gospel principles.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Just My Stupidity
I just want to rest…sleep as long as I can but my nightmares are following me again and again. If only I could take pills to let me fall asleep without having empty long hours of silence to entertain thoughts that reminds me of all my stupidity. I’ve been trying to win my strength back yet things beyond my control are kind of giving me a hard time. I know that things change and so are people but memories don’t. For that, we have History subjects which I hated most back in high school! And that is the very reason why I’m having those nightmares and I hate it! I hate my own history. If there’s one thing I want to do now, it is to delete from my memory the things I’ve done that made me hate myself. It’s just so unworkable though. I could never undo things I’ve already done. What more to delete them in my memory?
There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.
I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?
There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.
I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?
Friday, September 5, 2008
Little Sweets
Not so much in my senses, somebody on the other end was greeting me “Good Morning Engineer!” That was after I took a call from a friend early this morning and I was still in my bed.
I still couldn’t accept it as true- I passed the board exam! I remember that day when I was taking the exam and I was about to burst my frustration out when I couldn’t solve most of the problems. Nah, I almost cried! I had nothing to do but say a little prayer. I felt like a child hopeless in reaching some frozen sweets in a six-foot fridge. Heavenly Father, however, never left me. I felt unworthy to say those prayers yet the assurance coming from the Holy Ghost that He listens was just so strong. I know for sure that behind my passing was my Heavenly Father who lifted me up to reach that little sweet success.
I will always and will forever be grateful for His love for me. I’ve been really bad the past few weeks yet He never turned His back on me. I allowed my situation take advantage on my weaknesses and let the other side of me in control. I sinned and now I have to get back on my feet. There are things that I could never get back though and all I can do now is make amends on the things I can still do something about.
Many people around me told me that I’ve changed. I guess they’re partly right. I’ve changed and I couldn’t deny that when I found myself to be as I am- weak and alone trying to break free from the world I’ve known. I wanted to do something but I really don’t know what it is. Well, I know I couldn’t understand everything all at once. That is why I’m still hoping that someday when the time is right, I’ll know the reasons why I ought to go through life’s ups and downs.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
My Time
"..this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." -Alma 34:32There's more in life for me to learn..more tasks to act upon, and more dreams to realize. I always ought to live each day to the fullest yet I still feel I'm missing something.
I learned of the scriptural verse above years ago and I think I tried hard to live with it since then. My seminary and institute experiences have influenced most of who I am next to my family. I could say that I have spent most of my time preparing for the things I hope for, things which are to come yet I guess there really comes a point when one just want to retire for life more comfortable (at least for the natural man). For that, I feel that there are still a lot of me to change and reconsider. I’m becoming self-centered. I sometimes feel that I am just one person who have nothing much to share. Nobody might even notice if I vanish in the air this very minute. However, Jose Rizal taught me otherwise when I read about this passage from him:
“But as God has not made anything useless in this world, as all beings fulfill obligations or a role in the sublime drama of creation, I cannot exempt myself from this duty, and small though it be, I too have a mission to fill.”
When I was younger, I remember how I thought life would be easy if I get to involve myself in the church’s spiritual activities. I learned that in everything, there is a reason. Such reasons may not be revealed to us, yet in time we’ll understand. I guess that’s the very essence of having faith- it is believing and hoping for things we don’t see yet we know deep within that it’s true. Things, however, change so fast before I realize I'm way far from really learning my lessons. Being well equipped to facing life’s challenges is just something but a lesson still unlearned for me. On the other hand, I know for real that this is the very era that I should be preparing myself for that day of perfect recollection of all the things I’ve ever done. Having that in mind, I have to choose whether or not to make that day a state of peace or an awful one. This is my day of preparation and I need to learn my lessons now. I have to live for something. I have to act for myself before I will be acted upon.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
17 August 2008
Oh yeah, its been a while since the last time I posted an entry. I dont really have much to tell now. Actually, Im just reading over my older posts and it's really cool how I learn from my own experiences.
Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.
Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Just One Person
(with my "just one person" Honey Dee)
If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."
Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough, Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three.....People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, andmore, andmore....
And when all those people,Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will
Start to see what everybody sees inYou...
And maybe even you, Can believe in you... too!
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."
Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough, Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three.....People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, andmore, andmore....
And when all those people,Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will
Start to see what everybody sees inYou...
And maybe even you, Can believe in you... too!
It's wonderful how this song, innocent and pure as it is, lighten up my load today. It reminds of those 3 days that I’m away from home. When I left, I felt like each person I loved, cared, and those I call friends abandoned me. I was just so glad that day to have “just one person” who seemed to have believed in me. I think my “THANK YOUs” when I left her boarding house this morning were never enough to express my appreciation for her kindness, sympathy, and thoughtfulness. We’ve been friends since high school and I feel blessed to have had one like her. She proved me how she valued and still values our friendship until now. It’s amazing how this song helped me ease my sadness knowing that having just one person like her who “deep enough, and strong enough, believes in me...hard enough, and long enough, there's bound to be some other person who believes in me.. making it three, four, and more and more, and it stands to reason that I myself will start to see what everybody sees in Me...”. I realized a lot of things from this experience. I’m just too tired to write more of them. I guess I need some rest now..
Peter Pan
It was just a DREAM after all. Neverland doesn’t really exist. I will never find Peter Pan’s place..
I’m home now. And this is the reality! I belong to this chaotic world and I never could deny such realism. The best I could do now is to accept that fact and fly higher to see a larger picture of what’s really going on. How am I going to do that is a query I still can’t answer. As of this moment, I just wish to meet Peter Pan in my own sphere –someone who will agree to join me in my world, someone who will teach me how to fly and will believe I can, someone who will catch me if I fall every time I fail my lesson, someone who will ask me stay yet brave enough to come with me instead, someone who will fight for me when everyone seem to be against me, someone who cares enough to listen even when he can’t fully understand, someone who will stay by me when everybody else gives up on me, someone who will give me flowers when I’m depress and broken, someone who will cheer me up when I feel like crying and giving up, someone who will simply love me at my worst yet inspire me to be better.
I’m home now. And this is the reality! I belong to this chaotic world and I never could deny such realism. The best I could do now is to accept that fact and fly higher to see a larger picture of what’s really going on. How am I going to do that is a query I still can’t answer. As of this moment, I just wish to meet Peter Pan in my own sphere –someone who will agree to join me in my world, someone who will teach me how to fly and will believe I can, someone who will catch me if I fall every time I fail my lesson, someone who will ask me stay yet brave enough to come with me instead, someone who will fight for me when everyone seem to be against me, someone who cares enough to listen even when he can’t fully understand, someone who will stay by me when everybody else gives up on me, someone who will give me flowers when I’m depress and broken, someone who will cheer me up when I feel like crying and giving up, someone who will simply love me at my worst yet inspire me to be better.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Wasted..
I never thought life would be this unfair to me! My family disowned me. My friends abandoned me. I feel alone, depressed, and aimless. Now, I have nowhere to go. It’s crazy because I feel that I dedicated much of my time helping other people yet now I couldn’t help myself and nobody’s even there to extend a hand. I’m just one helpless person close to being wasted. Nobody likes me..:-( ..and it sucks!
Finding Neverland..
I'm leaving..I just dont know where to go. Been joking the past few days how I wanted to reach Neverland and it's funny how my friends play waking me up from a deep sound sleep. . It's crazy yet I guess my adventure will start in the morrow. Im heading nowhere...and I got no idea where this insanity will take me. Im just fed up with all the things happening in my own home. Im kind of evaluating the past..and I just cant help feel sorry about myself.
I was baptized at age 12 in the mormon church. I could say that I grew up a strong young woman. Even when nobody in my family seemed to care about my spiritual growth, I still tried hard to progress and mature in truth. I use to be a seminary student howbeit I did not qualify for a seminary diploma for reasons that my best wasn’t good enough to maintain my attendance. My family was not active in the church during those times. I remember going alone to church back then with nothing but my so fragile testimony. At the tender age of my youth, I learned to fight for what I believed and knew to be true. I learned to prioritize things and set goals necessary for my spiritual growth. Through the years I was amazed how such testimony grew into a solid one. I did all that is required of me just so I could qualify myself a member worthy to enter the temple. Yet now everything has changed. I could no longer say I'm still living every principle of the gospel.
I’m already 23 and is about to take my board exam. After my exam, I still don’t know what is in store. As of the moment, I just can’t help feel sad about my home’s current situation. I am still an active member of the church. In fact, I am serving now as a Young Women president and a ward missionary. You see, my mom is a temple worker. She’s said to be serving the Lord in the temple 3 days a week and is currently the relief society president of the ward. We go to church every Sunday with our teacher’s manuals and scriptures. (my younger sister use to teach in YW class too) Everything in the church is very ideal. I just can see there the kind of life I would want for my own family. However, sometimes there are just things that we learn in the church that remains there after the Sunday services. We term that Sunday Mormons when members do not what they are supposed to be doing all week.
I will be leaving my home for that very reason. I'm kind of frustrated to see my Mom teaching the doctrine and not living the principles. If I were an investigator, I will never embrace the gospel with my Mom as my mentor. I'm not saying she is that bad.. but in a lower scale she's guilty of being one. We've always got a lot to argue about. And it just so happened that this day was the worst fight we ever had. She went too physical. Maybe we’re just too different, the way we think and our ability to accept things. It’s not that I’m saying I am better because I know I never am. It’s just that, there are things that she must first learn for herself before teaching them forward. We never can share what we do not have and whatever we do will return to us a hundred fold. Love begets love and respect begets respect. I believe that is how it always works in this world. I believe we were both guilty of pride though. I feel a bit of anger and frustration yet I know “there is an expiration” to those feelings.
I will be searching for Neverland in the morrow hoping to meet Peter Pan in his sphere. I just so want to fly away from all the sorrows and worries of my world, wishing to at least have a taste of a peaceful carefree world where I could temporarily forget who I really am. It’s really fantastic to live in such a world where nobody gets old. I just hope my fascination to such an idea will not lead me in that same pit where I use to be trapped into. I pray to be like Wendy who still chose to come back home. I liked her attitude of wanting her life restored to what is normal in her world -to still grow up even if it would mean her pain, sorrow, and frustrations.
I was baptized at age 12 in the mormon church. I could say that I grew up a strong young woman. Even when nobody in my family seemed to care about my spiritual growth, I still tried hard to progress and mature in truth. I use to be a seminary student howbeit I did not qualify for a seminary diploma for reasons that my best wasn’t good enough to maintain my attendance. My family was not active in the church during those times. I remember going alone to church back then with nothing but my so fragile testimony. At the tender age of my youth, I learned to fight for what I believed and knew to be true. I learned to prioritize things and set goals necessary for my spiritual growth. Through the years I was amazed how such testimony grew into a solid one. I did all that is required of me just so I could qualify myself a member worthy to enter the temple. Yet now everything has changed. I could no longer say I'm still living every principle of the gospel.
I’m already 23 and is about to take my board exam. After my exam, I still don’t know what is in store. As of the moment, I just can’t help feel sad about my home’s current situation. I am still an active member of the church. In fact, I am serving now as a Young Women president and a ward missionary. You see, my mom is a temple worker. She’s said to be serving the Lord in the temple 3 days a week and is currently the relief society president of the ward. We go to church every Sunday with our teacher’s manuals and scriptures. (my younger sister use to teach in YW class too) Everything in the church is very ideal. I just can see there the kind of life I would want for my own family. However, sometimes there are just things that we learn in the church that remains there after the Sunday services. We term that Sunday Mormons when members do not what they are supposed to be doing all week.
I will be leaving my home for that very reason. I'm kind of frustrated to see my Mom teaching the doctrine and not living the principles. If I were an investigator, I will never embrace the gospel with my Mom as my mentor. I'm not saying she is that bad.. but in a lower scale she's guilty of being one. We've always got a lot to argue about. And it just so happened that this day was the worst fight we ever had. She went too physical. Maybe we’re just too different, the way we think and our ability to accept things. It’s not that I’m saying I am better because I know I never am. It’s just that, there are things that she must first learn for herself before teaching them forward. We never can share what we do not have and whatever we do will return to us a hundred fold. Love begets love and respect begets respect. I believe that is how it always works in this world. I believe we were both guilty of pride though. I feel a bit of anger and frustration yet I know “there is an expiration” to those feelings.
I will be searching for Neverland in the morrow hoping to meet Peter Pan in his sphere. I just so want to fly away from all the sorrows and worries of my world, wishing to at least have a taste of a peaceful carefree world where I could temporarily forget who I really am. It’s really fantastic to live in such a world where nobody gets old. I just hope my fascination to such an idea will not lead me in that same pit where I use to be trapped into. I pray to be like Wendy who still chose to come back home. I liked her attitude of wanting her life restored to what is normal in her world -to still grow up even if it would mean her pain, sorrow, and frustrations.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Happiness
HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL, PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE ,TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE, TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE, TYING YOUR SHOE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS WALKING HAND IN HAND.
HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM, KNOWING A SECRET, CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS, CATCHING A FIREFLY, SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS, CATCHING A FIREFLY, SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS COMING HOME AGAIN.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALLTHAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER, SHARING A SANDWICH, GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER, SHARING A SANDWICH, GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.
HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,DAYTIME AND NIGHTTIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE AND ANYTHING AT ALL THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
It's amazing how this tune brightened up my day today. I remember my first encounter of this song. My former boss' son, Sam, use to sing this song in the office and I just couldn't help listen to him. Actually, he made me smile everytime. Its really different when innocent little kids sing a wonderful sincere song. Call me childish or too kiddie but I really love this song . It's pretty cool how a sweet young buddy do that favor of teaching me realize how HAPPINESS could be that simple. Old ones just complicate things most of the time when "Happiness is anyone and anything at all, that's loved by you". I simply love the idea of happiness as simple as these kids' definitions. How I love to be in that kind of world..
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