Roots and Resilience

I grew up surrounded by the quiet hum of the earth, in a small, close-knit farming barangay in Pozorrubio, Pangasinan where my grandparents and uncles worked the land with steady, weathered hands. From my earliest memories , the fields stretched wide and golden beneath the sun, and the rhythm of the seasons dictated the pace of our days. From them, I learned the language of the soil — how to plant, nurture, and harvest not only crops, but also patience, perseverance, and respect for nature.

Not far from our home flowed the Angalakan River, a lifeline for our community. Its cool, rushing waters served as both utility and sanctuary — a place where we bathed under open skies, washed our clothes, and gathered fresh shellfish along its banks. It was a place of sustenance and connection, where the simple act of being together wove bonds stronger than words.

In our barangay, everyone knew one another. Neighbors shared their harvests without hesitation and came together in times of need. During weddings and other milestones, the entire community seemed to move as one — preparing food, lending hands, and celebrating with a unity that made joy feel multiplied. Those moments taught me that belonging was not merely about where you lived, but about how you lived with others.

Yet life in our community was far from easy. Many fathers, including my own, sought employment abroad as construction workers in Saudi Arabia, leaving their families for years at a time in search of better opportunities. They earned little by global standards, but their sacrifices were enough to send children to school — sometimes even through college. I was one of the daughters of an Overseas Filipino Worker. My father’s absence was deeply felt, especially during school events when I wished he could be there. My mother shouldered the daily challenges of raising six children, making ends meet however she could. While our backyard provided us with vegetables, chickens, and goats, I often longed for the small luxuries other children enjoyed — a new school bag, colorful notebooks, or a fresh set of crayons.

Despite these limitations, my childhood was shaped by a sense of purpose. I excelled in school, consistently making it to the honor roll. Teachers recognized my aptitude for numbers, and my family’s faith in my abilities became my quiet source of strength.

When the time came to choose a university, I faced a pivotal decision. I had passed the entrance examinations for both Saint Louis University in Baguio City — my dream school — and the University of the Philippines through the UPCAT. While SLU offered a nurturing environment, its tuition was beyond my family’s means. My brother encouraged me to consider UP, the nation’s premier state university, renowned for gathering the most promising students from across the country. After much deliberation, I chose UP, stepping into a future I could not yet fully imagine.

I enrolled in the Bachelor of Science in Geodetic Engineering program, knowing little about the field but drawn to the title “engineer.” Coming from a quiet rural upbringing, the transition to city life was overwhelming. My first year tested me in unexpected ways. The greatest shock came in my Math 17 class — Algebra and Trigonometry. I had always believed I was good with numbers, yet I nearly failed the subject in my first semester. It was a humbling moment that challenged my self-perception. But rather than succumb to discouragement, I resolved to persevere. I studied late into the night, sought help from peers, and learned to embrace the discipline required to meet UP’s rigorous standards. That early struggle became a turning point, teaching me that resilience is not forged in moments of ease, but in the quiet, determined effort to rise each time we falter.

In 2007, just months before my university graduation, my family faced a loss that would change us forever. My brother Edgar — the most gentle and soft-spoken among us six siblings — passed away in his sleep at the age of twenty-seven. He had been especially devoted to our mother, caring for her with quiet patience and tenderness. His sudden passing left us shocked and shattered.

What deepened the heartbreak was the family he left behind: two young children, only four and three years old at the time, and a wife with no job or financial support. I struggled to understand how life could be so cruel, taking him so soon and leaving his children without a father’s presence. In my grief, I wrestled with questions of faith, anger toward our Creator, and the unanswerable “why” of it all.

I did not know how to comfort my sister-in-law or reassure my niece and nephew that life would somehow be all right. How could I tell them this was part of God’s plan when I could not believe it myself? At that moment, the future felt unbearably uncertain. Yet even amid the sorrow, our family found ourselves drawing closer together, determined to support kuya Edgar’s children in every way we could. His loss left an emptiness that will never be filled, but it also deepened my sense of responsibility — to live not only for my own dreams, but for the people whose dreams were cut short.

Looking back, the journey from the riverbanks of the Angalakan to the lecture halls of the University of the Philippines — and through the valleys of personal loss — has shaped not only my career path, but also my life’s values. I carry with me the lessons of my childhood: the strength of community, the quiet dignity of sacrifice, and the enduring power of perseverance. Above all, I have learned that even in life’s most painful seasons, there are seeds of purpose waiting to be nurtured, and it is our task to help them grow.

Three Roses

“Good morning, Delilah!” greeted a man in a crisp white and blue uniform as I approached the log-in area. I had been with the company for two months, and by now the security guards had grown used to my presence. Every morning, without fail, they welcomed me with a smile as I asked for the exact time of my arrival — often a couple of minutes late, as usual. I sighed, expecting another ordinary day in the office.

The morning unfolded as I predicted — work, conversations, routine tasks. But this day carried something different, a quiet undercurrent that set it apart from the rest. A few days earlier, I had once again left home. This time, however, I was not alone. My younger sister and cousin had helped set the plan in motion, packing our bags and moving to our new place while I was at work. It was not far from our old home, but far enough to give us the distance we needed. We left because of my mother — the reasons too personal to share here.

Life has a way of repeating its lessons, presenting the same challenges until we learn what we need to from them. The past few days had been heavy, but I chose not to let today join their number. Instead, I found reasons to be grateful. One of them was him. I had been hoping he would pick me up from work, and he did. We went straight home, as we often did, but this evening held a small, meaningful surprise.

When we arrived, he handed me three roses, each a different color. I cherished them — not just for their beauty, but for the thoughtfulness behind them. Flowers, I believe, are nature’s gentle way of absorbing our stress. They do not last forever, yet before they fade, they seem to carry away a piece of our burdens. They wither, but in doing so, they give us moments of beauty and comfort. These roses would not last, but the kindness behind them would.

I could not find the perfect words to express how much I appreciated him — the giver of these flowers. All I could say was that I loved him, and that his presence in my life was proof that my Heavenly Father had never abandoned me. I know He never will.

There is so much in my life to be thankful for: a decent job, true friends, my sister and cousin, my father and brothers, the man I love, and most of all, my Heavenly Father and Savior. My life is far from perfect, but it can still be as beautiful as those roses — as long as I have my loved ones to share my joys with, and as long as we continue to learn the lessons hidden in our repeated experiences.

Strength in His Hands

There was a time in my life when each day felt heavy before it even began. I woke up carrying the same quiet burdens I had gone to bed with, unsure how to move forward, unsure if I even wanted to try. My steps were small, my pace slow, as though I were testing the ground beneath me for cracks. I told myself I was strong — but the truth was, I was simply surviving.

In those moments, I realized how deeply fear can root itself in a person’s life. It wasn’t only fear of failure, but fear of change, fear of being hurt again, fear of stepping out into the unknown without a map. For a while, I allowed that fear to keep me still. Standing still felt safe — but it was also suffocating.

Then came the realization that staying still was not the same as standing strong. Healing would never happen if I refused to take a step. So I began — slowly, uncertainly — to move again. Some days, that movement was no more than a decision to get out of bed and face the day. Other days, it meant allowing people to come closer, to see the parts of me I had hidden away.

It was in this season of uncertainty that I met him. I will not claim to know him completely — in truth, I feel I have only begun to understand who he truly is. Yet this very fact deepens my love and trust for him. Each new thing I discover about him feels like uncovering a small treasure, and with each discovery, my affection grows.

I am grateful that he found me during a time when I was alone and afraid to take even one more step forward. At first, I was hesitant, reluctant to take the hand he offered. But I am thankful I allowed myself that chance — to be held again in someone else’s hands.

When I was at my lowest, he shared his strength with me. Looking back, I realize I have leaned on him heavily these past weeks, perhaps too much — like a parasite drawing strength from its host. In the beginning, such dependence can be a lifeline, giving the weaker one time to heal and regain footing. But I know it cannot be the foundation of a lasting relationship. For love to endure, it must grow into something mutual — a pattern of giving and receiving, where each supports the other in turn.

This is why I strive to help him in any way I can. Nobody is unbreakable, and I know he, too, has his share of weaknesses. I love him for his strength, but I also love him with his flaws. A day may come when he will need to draw strength from me, and when that moment arrives, I hope I will be ready to give as much as he has given me.

Because I have learned that strength is not a permanent state — it is something we build, lose, and rebuild many times in a lifetime. It grows in cycles, like seasons. And when the time comes for the next winter in my life, I hope I will remember that spring always returns, bringing with it the quiet but certain promise that I can stand again.

For in the end, love is not about finding someone who will carry you through every storm — it is about learning to take turns holding the umbrella. And with him, I believe we can walk through both the sunshine and the rain, hand in hand.

Penguin

Penguins exist only in my imagination.

I’ve came across several articles about such creatures before yet I never really paid much attention on them. It’s not that I did not believe on them. They just didn’t catch my interest as I did when I first learned about their admirable behaviors on building their family. Once a penguin has chosen his partner among thousands, he stays loyal to his mate. Penguin couples have their ways of recording their partner’s voice so that they could recognize each other among thousands. It’s kind of having a code that only both of them know. J This is the reason why polygamy was never an issue for them.

After the female penguin has given birth, she leaves the egg to the male. She has to endure the harsh winds to go back to the sea to replenish her energy after giving birth. She travels through the ice miles away to feed herself and store food for her chick at the same time. For the mean time, the male penguin has to keep the egg warm in his so-called feathery pocket just above his feet. He has to maintain a constant temperature of 35o C to keep the egg from freezing. The male actually hatches the egg while the female is gathering food. All of this happens for about 120 days. By then, the female must have already gathered enough strength and food to go back and take charge on rearing their young. If the female further delays her coming back, she might find her partner and their young freezing and starving to death.

I was really amazed how such a relationship exists between creatures that I thought exist only in my imagination. I think they’re wonderful.

Walk

I still remember walking in the streets with two young men in white polo and tie wearing nametags. They use to knock on our door to ask my family if anyone could help them in their appointments and I usually go with them primarily to magnify my calling and help other people know of the gospel. There have been bad times and disappointment but all I remember now is the happiness and contentment that comes when I see other people embrace the message and let it change their lives. All the long and tiring walks under the sun and heavy rains were all but happy and funny memories now. It was indeed more of a privilege than a sacrifice to be a part of such a marvelous work!

Months after, the same asked me to help him visit some of the members and investigators we use to teach and so I did. It was another walk after some time of not magnifying my calling. That time, he no longer had that nametag on yet I felt like I was still working with that same missionary with his companion missing. That was last week of May soon after his mission.

It was September 14th when he came back and asked me for another walk. This time, we’re not going to our investigators or new converts anymore. He just wanted to go to the temple with me for a walk. That was Sunday and the temple ground was close so we’re not able to get in! I remember going there with some SAs back in college so I didn’t know it’s no longer allowed. It has been a pleasant walk with him though and that was the first time he’s had the courage to tell me his feelings. The days that pass since then were days of realization that Heavenly Father really wants the best for me.

I’m just so grateful for having him. He has become one of the reasons why I’m beginning to change for the better. More than Peter Pan, he taught me how to fly higher to look at the larger picture. He’s always got the right words to comfort me every time I feel like crying. He’s never tired of reminding me to seek spiritual learning as much as I seek secular things. He seem to enjoy waking me up in the morning just so I wouldn’t be late for work. He constantly reminds me to take my vitamins and not to skip meals. He never cease on telling me he loves me even without a reply. His example teaches me to be humble and forgiving. I admire his love for the gospel and I'm starting to love him.

Not Strong Enough..

Saturdays spent in church activities seem to have been a part of my system until I decided to make some twists. The past few weeks, I tried to build a wall to isolate myself from the world I use to live in most of my life. It was not a very good sign for members of the church and I knew it! I don’t need someone to tell me that before my very face.

Some close friends noticed such changes and some were thoughtful enough to ask me why. Most of them are not used to seeing me acting out of the ordinary (based on how they knew me). They use to see me in church activities guiding a group of young women. Some thought I was strong enough and need not be taken care of. I wonder though if there’s even one who really knew every single detail of who I really am. I was never strong enough! That is why I decided to take the left turn. I got curious about what’s happening on the other side. I am aware that what I was doing was just so against my values yet I thought I should give it a try. Giving myself the chance to find the other side of me and discover things I’m capable of, I began to realize that the other side wasn't really the place I would want my generation settle.

I still long for that happiness I found in the church by obeying gospel principles.

Just My Stupidity

I just want to rest…sleep as long as I can but my nightmares are following me again and again. If only I could take pills to let me fall asleep without having empty long hours of silence to entertain thoughts that reminds me of all my stupidity. I’ve been trying to win my strength back yet things beyond my control are kind of giving me a hard time. I know that things change and so are people but memories don’t. For that, we have History subjects which I hated most back in high school! And that is the very reason why I’m having those nightmares and I hate it! I hate my own history. If there’s one thing I want to do now, it is to delete from my memory the things I’ve done that made me hate myself. It’s just so unworkable though. I could never undo things I’ve already done. What more to delete them in my memory?

There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.

I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?

Little Sweets

Not so much in my senses, somebody on the other end was greeting me “Good Morning Engineer!” That was after I took a call from a friend early this morning and I was still in my bed.

I still couldn’t accept it as true- I passed the board exam! I remember that day when I was taking the exam and I was about to burst my frustration out when I couldn’t solve most of the problems. Nah, I almost cried! I had nothing to do but say a little prayer. I felt like a child hopeless in reaching some frozen sweets in a six-foot fridge. Heavenly Father, however, never left me. I felt unworthy to say those prayers yet the assurance coming from the Holy Ghost that He listens was just so strong. I know for sure that behind my passing was my Heavenly Father who lifted me up to reach that little sweet success.

I will always and will forever be grateful for His love for me. I’ve been really bad the past few weeks yet He never turned His back on me. I allowed my situation take advantage on my weaknesses and let the other side of me in control. I sinned and now I have to get back on my feet. There are things that I could never get back though and all I can do now is make amends on the things I can still do something about.

Many people around me told me that I’ve changed. I guess they’re partly right. I’ve changed and I couldn’t deny that when I found myself to be as I am- weak and alone trying to break free from the world I’ve known. I wanted to do something but I really don’t know what it is. Well, I know I couldn’t understand everything all at once. That is why I’m still hoping that someday when the time is right, I’ll know the reasons why I ought to go through life’s ups and downs.

My Time

"..this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." -Alma 34:32


There's more in life for me to learn..more tasks to act upon, and more dreams to realize. I always ought to live each day to the fullest yet I still feel I'm missing something.

I learned of the scriptural verse above years ago and I think I tried hard to live with it since then. My seminary and institute experiences have influenced most of who I am next to my family. I could say that I have spent most of my time preparing for the things I hope for, things which are to come yet I guess there really comes a point when one just want to retire for life more comfortable (at least for the natural man). For that, I feel that there are still a lot of me to change and reconsider. I’m becoming self-centered. I sometimes feel that I am just one person who have nothing much to share. Nobody might even notice if I vanish in the air this very minute. However, Jose Rizal taught me otherwise when I read about this passage from him:

“But as God has not made anything useless in this world, as all beings fulfill obligations or a role in the sublime drama of creation, I cannot exempt myself from this duty, and small though it be, I too have a mission to fill.”

When I was younger, I remember how I thought life would be easy if I get to involve myself in the church’s spiritual activities. I learned that in everything, there is a reason. Such reasons may not be revealed to us, yet in time we’ll understand. I guess that’s the very essence of having faith- it is believing and hoping for things we don’t see yet we know deep within that it’s true. Things, however, change so fast before I realize I'm way far from really learning my lessons. Being well equipped to facing life’s challenges is just something but a lesson still unlearned for me. On the other hand, I know for real that this is the very era that I should be preparing myself for that day of perfect recollection of all the things I’ve ever done. Having that in mind, I have to choose whether or not to make that day a state of peace or an awful one. This is my day of preparation and I need to learn my lessons now. I have to live for something. I have to act for myself before I will be acted upon.

17 August 2008

Oh yeah, its been a while since the last time I posted an entry. I dont really have much to tell now. Actually, Im just reading over my older posts and it's really cool how I learn from my own experiences.

Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.