20th November 2008

“Good morning Delilah!” greets a guy in white and blue uniform while I was walking, few steps away from the log in area. I’ve been in the company for two months and the security people seemed to have got used of my presence in the log in area and never missed a morning without giving me a smile while I ask them what time I arrived. I was a couple of minutes late as usual. This is going to be another ordinary day in the office, I sighed.

Everything went normal in the office as I expected. This day however isn’t as normal as the days past. I again left home few days ago. But this time, I’m no longer alone. My younger sister and a cousin actually set out the plan how we three could leave the house. It was the 13th of November. While I was in the office, my partners in crime migrated to our new home, (not so far from home though) bringing with them our bags of clothes. We left home primarily because of my Mom. As to why such a reason, I prefer not to write more details on.

I realized why experiences kept on repeating themselves and I learned that there still are bunch of lessons to be learned every time. Anyhow, no matter how depressing the previous days were, I could say that this day shouldn’t be numbered as one of them. I still have a lot of things to be grateful and happy about this day, hoping that every 20th of a month since now will no longer be one of those ordinary days for me and that someone so special. I was actually expecting him to fetch me from the office to my home today and he did. We went straight home as usual but just to give this day a special touch, he gave me three roses of different colors when we arrived home. And I very much appreciate them just as I appreciate the thoughtfulness of the giver. Flowers really are very much like stress absorbers. For me, they are nature’s gift to get relief from even just for a while. They won’t last that long yet before they fade, they wither with my despair. They turn ugly after absorbing somebody else’s heavy burden for days just like they always do for me. I really couldn’t think of a perfect word to express how much I am grateful for the giver of these flowers. All I can say now is that I love him and that having him in my life now is just one proof that my Heavenly Father never abandoned me. I know He never will.

There’s more in my life to be happy and grateful about after all. I have a decent job. I have my friends. I have my sister and my cousin. I have my father and my brothers. I have the giver of the flowers whom I love so much. Most of all, I have my loving Heavenly Father and my Savior. My life though far from being perfect will just be as beautiful as those lovely roses as long as I have my dear ones to share my joy with and together we’ll learn the lessons of our repeated experiences.

I Love Him

I won’t claim that I already know him that much. In fact, I think I know very little about him yet. This fact, however, makes me love and trust him more every time I discover new things about him.

I’m grateful he found and tried to help me while I was alone- too afraid to take a step and walk any further in my journey. At first, I was too afraid and reluctant to accept his hand. But I’m grateful to have given myself a chance to be held once again in somebody else’s hands. He shared his strength to me when I was in the lowest of my trough. And I think I have been a parasite trying to get strength from him the past few weeks. Such kind of relationship existed between us without me noticing that I’m beginning to be more and more dependent on him each day that past. I just realize that parasitism won’t work long enough in a relationship. It might work in the premature stage while the one is given the chance to gather strength from the other. However, they should not get stuck to such kind of relationship. I think mutual understanding of each other’s role to make a relationship work is very essential. I believe mutualism works when both develop a pattern of “give-and-take” practice. This is why I’m also trying to help him in any way I can. Nobody’s strong enough and I know he also has his own chop of weaknesses.

I loved him for being such a strong person and I will continue to love him with all his weaknesses. He might call for his strength back in time and hopefully I could share mine when that time comes.

Penguin

Penguins exist only in my imagination.

I’ve came across several articles about such creatures before yet I never really paid much attention on them. It’s not that I did not believe on them. They just didn’t catch my interest as I did when I first learned about their admirable behaviors on building their family. Once a penguin has chosen his partner among thousands, he stays loyal to his mate. Penguin couples have their ways of recording their partner’s voice so that they could recognize each other among thousands. It’s kind of having a code that only both of them know. J This is the reason why polygamy was never an issue for them.

After the female penguin has given birth, she leaves the egg to the male. She has to endure the harsh winds to go back to the sea to replenish her energy after giving birth. She travels through the ice miles away to feed herself and store food for her chick at the same time. For the mean time, the male penguin has to keep the egg warm in his so-called feathery pocket just above his feet. He has to maintain a constant temperature of 35o C to keep the egg from freezing. The male actually hatches the egg while the female is gathering food. All of this happens for about 120 days. By then, the female must have already gathered enough strength and food to go back and take charge on rearing their young. If the female further delays her coming back, she might find her partner and their young freezing and starving to death.

I was really amazed how such a relationship exists between creatures that I thought exist only in my imagination. I think they’re wonderful.

Walk

I still remember walking in the streets with two young men in white polo and tie wearing nametags. They use to knock on our door to ask my family if anyone could help them in their appointments and I usually go with them primarily to magnify my calling and help other people know of the gospel. There have been bad times and disappointment but all I remember now is the happiness and contentment that comes when I see other people embrace the message and let it change their lives. All the long and tiring walks under the sun and heavy rains were all but happy and funny memories now. It was indeed more of a privilege than a sacrifice to be a part of such a marvelous work!

Months after, the same asked me to help him visit some of the members and investigators we use to teach and so I did. It was another walk after some time of not magnifying my calling. That time, he no longer had that nametag on yet I felt like I was still working with that same missionary with his companion missing. That was last week of May soon after his mission.

It was September 14th when he came back and asked me for another walk. This time, we’re not going to our investigators or new converts anymore. He just wanted to go to the temple with me for a walk. That was Sunday and the temple ground was close so we’re not able to get in! I remember going there with some SAs back in college so I didn’t know it’s no longer allowed. It has been a pleasant walk with him though and that was the first time he’s had the courage to tell me his feelings. The days that pass since then were days of realization that Heavenly Father really wants the best for me.

I’m just so grateful for having him. He has become one of the reasons why I’m beginning to change for the better. More than Peter Pan, he taught me how to fly higher to look at the larger picture. He’s always got the right words to comfort me every time I feel like crying. He’s never tired of reminding me to seek spiritual learning as much as I seek secular things. He seem to enjoy waking me up in the morning just so I wouldn’t be late for work. He constantly reminds me to take my vitamins and not to skip meals. He never cease on telling me he loves me even without a reply. His example teaches me to be humble and forgiving. I admire his love for the gospel and I'm starting to love him.

Not Strong Enough..

Saturdays spent in church activities seem to have been a part of my system until I decided to make some twists. The past few weeks, I tried to build a wall to isolate myself from the world I use to live in most of my life. It was not a very good sign for members of the church and I knew it! I don’t need someone to tell me that before my very face.

Some close friends noticed such changes and some were thoughtful enough to ask me why. Most of them are not used to seeing me acting out of the ordinary (based on how they knew me). They use to see me in church activities guiding a group of young women. Some thought I was strong enough and need not be taken care of. I wonder though if there’s even one who really knew every single detail of who I really am. I was never strong enough! That is why I decided to take the left turn. I got curious about what’s happening on the other side. I am aware that what I was doing was just so against my values yet I thought I should give it a try. Giving myself the chance to find the other side of me and discover things I’m capable of, I began to realize that the other side wasn't really the place I would want my generation settle.

I still long for that happiness I found in the church by obeying gospel principles.

Just My Stupidity

I just want to rest…sleep as long as I can but my nightmares are following me again and again. If only I could take pills to let me fall asleep without having empty long hours of silence to entertain thoughts that reminds me of all my stupidity. I’ve been trying to win my strength back yet things beyond my control are kind of giving me a hard time. I know that things change and so are people but memories don’t. For that, we have History subjects which I hated most back in high school! And that is the very reason why I’m having those nightmares and I hate it! I hate my own history. If there’s one thing I want to do now, it is to delete from my memory the things I’ve done that made me hate myself. It’s just so unworkable though. I could never undo things I’ve already done. What more to delete them in my memory?

There’s no easy way, I know. I have to go through this and expect light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just wondering how long this journey will take me. I can so feel I’m becoming extra weak every step I take. I’m already tired. If along the way I fall, I pray that somebody would be strong enough to carry me. I just pray for that someone who will walk with me side by side, someone who will never leave me in this journey. On the other hand, I fear I may not be ready when he comes. That might be the very reason why we’re taking this long to bump into each other.

I easily fall in love but I hardly trust a word. I always do the analysis every time I was told of something. And more often than not, it’s more of an advantage when I do that. Words nowadays are easily said yet very difficult to stick with them. I hate it when people say something when they don’t really mean what they say. It’s like playing with someone else’s emotions. Unintentional though it is, how can some people be so insensitive as such?

Little Sweets

Not so much in my senses, somebody on the other end was greeting me “Good Morning Engineer!” That was after I took a call from a friend early this morning and I was still in my bed.

I still couldn’t accept it as true- I passed the board exam! I remember that day when I was taking the exam and I was about to burst my frustration out when I couldn’t solve most of the problems. Nah, I almost cried! I had nothing to do but say a little prayer. I felt like a child hopeless in reaching some frozen sweets in a six-foot fridge. Heavenly Father, however, never left me. I felt unworthy to say those prayers yet the assurance coming from the Holy Ghost that He listens was just so strong. I know for sure that behind my passing was my Heavenly Father who lifted me up to reach that little sweet success.

I will always and will forever be grateful for His love for me. I’ve been really bad the past few weeks yet He never turned His back on me. I allowed my situation take advantage on my weaknesses and let the other side of me in control. I sinned and now I have to get back on my feet. There are things that I could never get back though and all I can do now is make amends on the things I can still do something about.

Many people around me told me that I’ve changed. I guess they’re partly right. I’ve changed and I couldn’t deny that when I found myself to be as I am- weak and alone trying to break free from the world I’ve known. I wanted to do something but I really don’t know what it is. Well, I know I couldn’t understand everything all at once. That is why I’m still hoping that someday when the time is right, I’ll know the reasons why I ought to go through life’s ups and downs.

My Time

"..this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." -Alma 34:32


There's more in life for me to learn..more tasks to act upon, and more dreams to realize. I always ought to live each day to the fullest yet I still feel I'm missing something.

I learned of the scriptural verse above years ago and I think I tried hard to live with it since then. My seminary and institute experiences have influenced most of who I am next to my family. I could say that I have spent most of my time preparing for the things I hope for, things which are to come yet I guess there really comes a point when one just want to retire for life more comfortable (at least for the natural man). For that, I feel that there are still a lot of me to change and reconsider. I’m becoming self-centered. I sometimes feel that I am just one person who have nothing much to share. Nobody might even notice if I vanish in the air this very minute. However, Jose Rizal taught me otherwise when I read about this passage from him:

“But as God has not made anything useless in this world, as all beings fulfill obligations or a role in the sublime drama of creation, I cannot exempt myself from this duty, and small though it be, I too have a mission to fill.”

When I was younger, I remember how I thought life would be easy if I get to involve myself in the church’s spiritual activities. I learned that in everything, there is a reason. Such reasons may not be revealed to us, yet in time we’ll understand. I guess that’s the very essence of having faith- it is believing and hoping for things we don’t see yet we know deep within that it’s true. Things, however, change so fast before I realize I'm way far from really learning my lessons. Being well equipped to facing life’s challenges is just something but a lesson still unlearned for me. On the other hand, I know for real that this is the very era that I should be preparing myself for that day of perfect recollection of all the things I’ve ever done. Having that in mind, I have to choose whether or not to make that day a state of peace or an awful one. This is my day of preparation and I need to learn my lessons now. I have to live for something. I have to act for myself before I will be acted upon.

17 August 2008

Oh yeah, its been a while since the last time I posted an entry. I dont really have much to tell now. Actually, Im just reading over my older posts and it's really cool how I learn from my own experiences.

Yesterday was just another ordinary Saturday. And today is supposed to be another ordinary Sunday if I wont attend in my review class. Im already counting days before my board exam and I still have a lot to familiarize and study about. I dont think I can manage to review over them all before September 2. :-( Its all my fault after all.. Im too irresponsible and lazy. I cant even manage my time wisely when I use to teach that principle to the young women.

Just One Person

(with my "just one person" Honey Dee)

If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...
Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough, Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....People you can say: believe in me.....
And if three whole people,Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, andmore, andmore....

And when all those people,Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough
It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees inYou...
And maybe even you, Can believe in you... too!

It's wonderful how this song, innocent and pure as it is, lighten up my load today. It reminds of those 3 days that I’m away from home. When I left, I felt like each person I loved, cared, and those I call friends abandoned me. I was just so glad that day to have “just one person” who seemed to have believed in me. I think my “THANK YOUs” when I left her boarding house this morning were never enough to express my appreciation for her kindness, sympathy, and thoughtfulness. We’ve been friends since high school and I feel blessed to have had one like her. She proved me how she valued and still values our friendship until now. It’s amazing how this song helped me ease my sadness knowing that having just one person like her who “deep enough, and strong enough, believes in me...hard enough, and long enough, there's bound to be some other person who believes in me.. making it three, four, and more and more, and it stands to reason that I myself will start to see what everybody sees in Me...”. I realized a lot of things from this experience. I’m just too tired to write more of them. I guess I need some rest now..